Groupie Crush: When Being A Fan Simply Isn’t Enough

Fiona Apple, “To Your Love”

It’s fair to say I’m a sucker for a girl who can appoint to my recreational interests. Actually, I think it’s fair to say anyone who shares interests with you is a person you’d like to be around. Conversations with writers? I dig that. Similar tastes in music? Let’s talk about it.

Applying this to my recent life, a friend I haven’t had a real conversation with in years is accompanying me to see Sleigh Bells this Saturday in New York. Through the two hour train ride, I guarantee we won’t be hard-pressed to find something to chat about. Most chats probably won’t stray far from music.

Tastes make me an elitist and occasionally pretentious asshole. For whatever reason, my brain processes my own values in entertainment as better than everyone else’s, so if you hold a similar taste not only do I find a slight glimmer of hope for the brain capacity of humanity, but you’re already considered smarter than the rest of the ingrates that are a part of my generation . I recognize how back-handed arrogant that sounds.

Getting on topic (wait! you mean I was off topic in a matter of three paragraphs?) girls and music are two of my favorite things. To combine the two is near unfathomable. It’s one thing to like what I like — it’s another thing to make what I like.

As an unfiltered piece of shit I have no issues admitting that I can become a groupie. Yes, a groupie. Like those girls who bitch about feminism and then scream their heads off for girlfriend beating Chris Brown. Like those gay guys who find it appropriate to wear assless chaps and birds nests on their heads to a Lady Gaga concert. Like black people who find it OK to attend a Jay-Z concert. Every Jay-Z concert. Regardless of if the last album was good (the last nine years have been awful for Jay-Z fans.)

Without further ado, I submit my groupie crushes. The top five. The criteria is simple, really. Besides making music these girls tend to have that “it,” factor for me, which can include one (or multiple) of the following…

  • Being bat shit crazy
  • Making great music
  • Being smoking hot (funny how I didn’t mean for this list to be listed by importance. Funny that it is. Also funny that this falls 3rd on a list of importance when defining what girls I become a lame groupie for. My justification, however is that I’ve gotten over the fact that no celebrity would touch me with a ten foot pole. Not even Whoopie Goldberg. Maybe Whoopie Goldberg.)

5. Fiona Apple

The obvious is obvious. Fiona is smoking hot. Blessed with beautiful dark hair and swamp green eyes, Apple has a knack for (as the New Yorker said) making that underfed Calvin Klein model look, look good. She’s twig thin and while that’s often a turnoff I can overlook such formalities for a pretty face. Oh and let’s not forget that ‘ole girl makes damn good music and has an insane  ear for production.

Fiona Apple singing “Shadowboxer

4. Annie Clark of St. Vincent

For my personal preferences a thin, tall indie girl with curly hair is perfection (see: emphasis on curly.) One that can tear the gee-tar like Annie can? Shit! Annie has a fat butt and is probably the most musically talented on this list. I guess my main issue with her is she’s the most sane girl on this list (which isn’t saying much, really.)

Annie Clark telling me how much she loves me

3. Alexis Krauss of Sleigh Bells

I’m pretty sure the guys from Bowling For Soup couldn’t hold their semen in for 12 seconds if Alexis Krauss walked in the door. From a metrics meter, she’s physical perfection; thick in the perfect spots, thin in the necessary ones. Her aura screams rough, but her vocals are inviting. It’s telling of a female that’s rough on the outside, but soft once you get to know her. In a way, this juxtaposition in character intrigues me.

Alexis in the best music video of 2012

2. Alice Glass of Crystal Castles

Rail thin and relatively pale, Glass is probably the least physically pleasing on this list. I think her major draw for groupie hoes like myself is her back story & general lack of concern for societal limits spoon fed by the media. She ran away at the age of 14 to live in a squat community where she did tons of drugs and listened to music. I don’t need to go any further. She’s bat shit crazy. I love it.

On her last two tours she broke her ribs (2008) and sprained her ankle (2010) and still performed. In fact, when I saw her in concert she came out on crutches with a bottle of Jack Daniels. She proceeded to tell the crowd how the doctor told her it was unsafe for her to continue to perform. She did anyways. Even crowd surfed a few times. It may have been all for show, but if you can’t get groupie for a girl like that, you have no soul.

Alice Glass being Alice ****ing Glass

1. Kreayshawn

Overdone on makeup with extended eyelashes, that one excessive line of eyeliner, styled in a choker and her signature Minnie mouse ears, Kreayshawn has recently become my new go groupie for girl. She tucks her shorts just over her thin belly button, rocks hipster glasses and yet goes against the grain by being a goofy tatted up rapper. She has everything I could ever want. She’s a thug. Raps. Directs. Embraces being hipster (who does that?) She’s probably the coolest chick in music. My only hope is that she’d call me a racial slur in bed one day.

For what it’s worth, she’s undeniably underrated in the looks department also.

Kreayshawn, “Gucci, Gucci”


About realmikeclark

23-year old Journalism & Psychology graduate of the University of Connecticut.
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2 Responses to Groupie Crush: When Being A Fan Simply Isn’t Enough

  1. Simon Phoenix says:

    wtf wheres grimes bruh bruh

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