Being Drunk on Thanksgiving or Participating in Black Friday? Why you won’t see me doing either

Veronica Falls – “The Box”

Ever.

I love my alcohol. I love cheap shit.

But never will I ever participate in such nonsense and tomfoolery.And everyone that does is out of their damn mind. Let me explain why.

First of all, Thanksgiving is probably the 2nd greatest holiday in the world, right after Halloween. Why Halloween first? I get my alcohol fix on Halloween. I drink excessively. I get to dress up as whatever the fuck I please. Women are allowed to (and expected to) dress in their sluttiest get up. Alcohol and slutty costumes are a recipe for my hormones to skyrocket. And they do. If thou dress like a whore, thou should expect to be treated like one, but in this case, and this case alone being a slutty camera/kitten/paper plate is totally acceptable.

On the flip, I love Thanksgiving because I get to eat. I get to be fat. I’m myself–none of this ‘go out, get drunk and have balls all night while we try to pick up women’ bullshit. No. That’s not to say I don’t love drinking and hunting for women (I do) I just understand there’s a time to hunt and a time to take it easy.

For today I get to unbutton my pants and let my stomach hang out. For today I get to eat some of the greatest cooking known to man from my grandmother. She is the greatest cook I’ve ever known. No one is even in the same stratosphere. When I eat, one plate is good enough. Two plates is just gluttony. I strive for three plates, not including the plate I bring home. After I eat, you know what I want to do? Sleep. Watch football. Be fucking fat. This is what EVERYONE should want to do on Thanksgiving!

If you don’t then the cooking must suck. I’m serious. I know everyone can’t cook like my grandmother, but there ought to be one good cook in your household that makes you want to put down the wine/vodka/beer/rum/gin/whiskey/brandy/whatever for a night and be a fat piece of shit. Alcohol isn’t all there is to life. I don’t mean to preach, but I’ve never wanted to drink over eat on Thanksgiving. Ever. Why should you? You eat like a fat pig a handful of times a year. You drink every weekend. Get over it.

Black Friday is another debacle entirely. My main issue is, why on earth would I ever want to do any of the things that Black Friday has to offer to save a few extra bucks? Especially when I can save all that extra money by shopping online (on or around Black Friday) or after christmas. That brings me to another issue–why get people presents for christmas when everything is so incredibly marked down afterwards?

Black Friday has nearly nothing to offer me. Lets wake up at 4 a.m. before daylight has shown its’ face and sit outside in the freezing cold of November. Let’s bring out our innate animal instincts to act like a pack of raving hyenas. Let’s claw, scrape and rush to save that extra 20% on a toaster.

That’s exactly what people do on Black Friday. Sit outside, losing all forms of courtesy and humanity for a bunch of material items. For a couple of hours, it’s OK to knock over the bitch next to you so your son can get his hands on Pokemon Yellow version. For a couple of hours, it’s OK to dig in other people’s carts. For a couple of hours, it’s OK to throw away whatever dignity you once thought you had. If nothing else, this act of propane hedonism could be somewhat enjoyable to watch with a video camera. Just to see how ridiculous the rabid animals look as they fight for position to get that last 3-D TV.

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About realmikeclark

23-year old Journalism & Psychology graduate of the University of Connecticut.
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