Big Sean – “Celebrity”
4th of July weekend, how I’ve missed you!
Happy 4th everyone! The 4th for me is usually a very overrated holiday. While I love drinking, I’ve never had a particularly great 4th of July. Last summer I drank on the 4th and made an ass of myself in front of a girl I loved. Three years ago I drank on the weekend of the 4th and puked in my friends’ Mercedes. I don’t remember any other recent 4th’s but that’s probably a good thing…one because they weren’t particularly interesting, but also because I probably did something really stupid. Actually, scratch that. If I did something stupid it probably was interesting…so one or the other.
This year’s 4th of July weekend has been no different. Drinking, parties, BBQs…even people with no social life are participating. But of course, I found a way to make an ass of myself. I always do. It never fails.
For many, getting fucked up during family functions has been going on since teenage years. Your uncle slipped you a few shots of tequilla when you were young, your aunt passed you a joint a couple of years ago. Shit happens. Everyone’s aunts and uncles aren’t saints…and naturally, they’d be happy to share bonding moments with their nieces and nephews. I get it. But by god, if the parents and grandparents don’t want to get in the way…every time! With responsibility and parent shades and bullshit. Let me explain.
I was already on edge all weekend. My mom pissed me off on Sunday for going to NYC the night before, and I was a bit hungover come Sunday morning after a night in the city. I met up with some family in Long Island for a BBQ, and walked in to my uncle smoking a cigarette. Naturally, I shared a cigarette with him, and my great uncle something that would be taboo for my mother or grandmother to see….mainly because they hate cigarettes, but also because it would be “disrespectful.” Whatever that means. My uncle, aunt, and I got to talking about real shit. Marijuana legalization, and how drug laws target minorities. For many this is no big deal, but for me I’ve never had this kind of conversation with family before. I’ve always walked on egg shells with them…been quiet, minded my business, laughed at jokes, and nodded in agreement when they mentioned family as the most important aspect of life. Golden child, I suppose. But I’m 22 for christ sakes…the fuck I wanna put an act on for the rest of my life? Have family members with no idea of what kind of person I am? Fuck that shit….that’s bullshit. Before they die [and more than likely they’re dying before me] they better know who I am, and what I’m about. Everyone else does.
I went into the BBQ and my aunt threw me some cologne and a mint [in hopes of covering up the cigarette smell.] Walking on egg shells is one thing, but covering it up…I can deal with this. At least someone will know who I am. My cousin, and cousin’s husband start talking about drinking with me…then they tell me I should get trashed because they’re trashed. Sounded like a grand idea to me.
Wrong. But for the first time at a family function I decided to get trashed. I figured what the hell…I’m 22 in 2 days, I’m of legal age everywhere in the world, if these motherfuckers don’t think I drink then they’re morons. I walk up to the table with liquor and pour myself a cup of Hennessy. 5 minutes later, my grandfather comes up to me and asks about the liquor…10 minutes later my mother and father…15 minutes later, my aunt. What the fuck? Really? What is the age limit for drinking a CUP of cognac at a family function? Jesus Christ. This one cup won’t even get me drunk! Do they not realize my tolerance?
I almost felt disrespected. Not because they didn’t want me drinking…but because they made such a major deal about it. Now, admittedly, I was stupid about the alcohol. The shit was placed right in the middle of the BBQ…with my grandmother’s religious hawking eye watching it at all times. This is a trap waiting to happen. Grandma can not only see who’s drinking alcohol today, but she can also see how much you’re drinking, and send her scouts to check up on unknowing morons like myself. Fantastic!
I talk to my cousins about the situation…my cousin Ethan, who was trashed [dude is 20 mind you] says I should have been smarter. My cousins’ husband Mike [who is also trashed] says I should have asked him to get liquor. Another cousin and aunt, who are in their early 30s and 50s respectively, tell me they’ve been sneaking liquor at shit like this for years. Well, goddamn….rookie mistake I suppose. I didn’t realize there was an age limit for a cup of alcohol at a family function. Especially since one of my aunts has been coming into these events with a bottle of liquor in her purse and drinking profusely since I was in diapers. And I’ve known about her drinking for years…as has everyone.
My cousin told me later that day that my family has been known as the Goodie-Two Shoes family. Living in suburban neighborhoods, with a stereotypical “perfect” 2 parent family environment *major fucking eyeroll* has given us this reputation but I guess our need for being quiet, simple and typically agreeable has also brought a head to this stereotype. So to watch me, or any of my brothers or sisters cuss, talk about sex, drinking, drugs, or do any of the following doesn’t seem right. And naturally, this is exactly what I did for the rest of the day. My cousins and aunts/uncles enjoyed it. Parents and grandparents? Well, I tried to stay away from them.
Oh, and for the record I’m actually writing this drunk. In fact, I woke up at 5 in the morning, realized I was trashed, made bacon and eggs, had one bite, puked it up, and decided it’d be a great idea to blog about this. Maybe I went a little overboard last night due to my obvious drunken state. But I always do on the 4th.