Drunk Texting Is Bar None The Most Moronic Thing You Could Ever Do

The Strokes – “Hard To Explain”

Seriously.

I wish people would end my life after doing it.

Every time.

Or I just wish I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. That’d be the best defense for drunk texting…because if you’re texting the wrong person, you’ve probably made an ass of yourself already. Waking up, on the other hand leads to damage control….which can consist of anything from ignoring the night before, deleting the messages before reading them [because you know you made an ass of yourself], or a simple sorry to the person you were texting. I like the ignoring thing personally…though it eats me up inside [literally] the day after, and I get the lovely feeling of sulking for a few days because of how a few generic characters read on a phone could have been digested.

Once upon a time I was a drunk texting whore. 3-4 years ago I perfected the art of looking like a moron through digital messages coming to a cell phone near you. But I gave all that up and was really, really good about it. I went straight edge. Well, as straight edge as I could get [cigarettes need not apply.] Mainly for my health [I, admittedly am allergic to gluten, which includes alcohol — it’s going to kill me one day, hopefully when I’m young] but also because I didn’t like making the dumb mistakes I’d make with my phone.

I could give you a dozen stories of the misfortunes of my ways. Probably two dozen. But I’d rather bash others than talk about my own misfortunes, though you certainly can apply all uses of the terms “drunk girl,” “moron,” “desperate,” or “immature,” to “author of this blog,” or “drunk guy.”

In years past, I’ve had girls drunk text me. Only drunk text, mind you. It’s ‘hey’ ‘what are you doing?’ and ‘I’m drunk’ mixed with a few misspellings and typos for good measure. I found it hilarious…immature…desperate even….because no one has a ‘friend’ who just drunk texts them all the time. Well, let me rephrase…no one has a friend who only drunk texts them. Hell, it happened to me as recently as a month ago. I laugh it off because the difference between drunk girl desperately texting you, and sober girl desperately texting you is thick. Sober girl is often smart enough to try some reverse psychology. She knows what she wants, but you have to work for it even though she’s kind of leaving you in the dark, hoping you read between the lines. Sober girl, desperate or not, has the ability to outsmart me, somehow fiddling her own desperation into my desperation. Drunk girl isn’t nearly this smart.

Drunk girl says what’s on her mind, and nine times out of ten what’s on her mind is A) hilarious; B) on my mind at least once in the past month and C) suddenly throws all the power women naturally have and crave in the male’s court. This is all awesome for a guy…when something’s guaranteed, and worth it [sometimes it’s guaranteed and not worth it, but that’s an entirely different conversation.] For a girl [whom essentially holds the crown fucking jewels] to watch a guy make the moronic drunk text messages…well, I’m sure its hilarious for her to watch  that man make an ass of himself. It probably happens more often also because guys go out, get hammered, hunt, get rejected, and continue to hunt…sometimes it’s easier to grow the thick skin by continuing to hunt, and other times it sucks dick. My most recent drunk texts in the last 6 months or so…have sucked major dick. Well, except one…that shit was awesome.

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About realmikeclark

23-year old Journalism & Psychology graduate of the University of Connecticut.
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2 Responses to Drunk Texting Is Bar None The Most Moronic Thing You Could Ever Do

  1. So what did the awesome one say?!

    • My friend dared me to text “DTF?” to a previous hookup whom hates my guts…I did it, and luckily she had deleted my number some time before. Essentially a good half an hour of my text messages were me having a jolly time creating havoc….then she found out who I was, and it furthered her incredible hatred for me. Crude, and awful? Probably, but the half hour of laughter was completely worth it.

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